So much happened on the season finale of
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, it's taken us awhile to sift through the carnage. After this nuclear war, the extent of the fallout may not fully be known for years. Or the reunion special.
How did THG's critic respond to the events of last night, which included family feuds, cat fights and relationships unraveling one after the other? Find out now ...
Wow. I've seen a lot of Housewivery battles in my day, and nothing compared to last night's limo ride to nowhere. We knew Kim and Kyle have family issues, but didn't realize just how deep rooted those issues actually are.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning.
We open with last week's final scene. Camille and a sprinkle of Grammer minions toasted Kelsey's Tony nod, and the air was thick with "I don't want to be here."
By the way, did anyone notice that the woman next to Camille bears a striking resemblance to
The OC's Julie Cooper-Nichol (Melinda Clarke)?
It's more of the same between Camille and Kelsey as they headed to midtown, and it was painful for everyone involved to watch Camille continue to kiss Kelsey's ass, even though he wanted NO part of her.
She said it herself during a heart-to-heart with one of her very few female friends: Kelsey did everything he could to avoid talking about and engaging in their failing marriage at the Tony Awards.
Camille finally realized that she was reduced to begging the pr!ck to stay in their marriage. As nuts as she is, I felt for Camille in that moment.
Crazy may have a "Jesus complex," but she's just as human as the rest of us (Thank God. The jury was out for a bit).
Lisa Vanderpump kept her word and finally addressed the Serafina Showdown with Taylor. Never one to be removed from her element, Lisa invited Taylor to lunch at Villa Blanca (which, by the way, has a very reasonably priced menu.
I'll pop in v. soon to report back on the cuisine. No doubt I'll be washing it down with a bottle of Rose. Anyhoo, Lisa's not one to beat around the bush.
She laid it out on the table to Taylor almost straight away: Did Taylor say something to Camille in private before dinner to get her so worked up AGAIN?
Nay, said Taylor. The root of all this nonsense, according to Taylor, stemmed from Kim. The story didn't make total sense, and we're glad Lisa didn't buy it either.
From there, things went south because, as we'll find out, Taylor took this as a sign to confront a very unstable Kim about what happened in New York (and essentially blamed her for EVERYTHING). And as Lisa said, "I don't give a flying fig what Kim said to Taylor." ILYLV.
Speak of the nutter, Kim walked into the Cristophe salon in Beverly Hills to see about makeup application. Here is where the former child actor really come undone.
Kim doesn't do glamour. When she was married to her ex-husband, you'd find them both in chef's hats and sweats beyond the guarded gates. Things haven't changed much and Kim still feels like a plain Jane.
As the makeup artist attempted to show her how to apply eyeshadow, Kim struggled to dab. Her reasoning? Because she didn't have to put on a face for friends or school. Kyle did, but Kim didn't. Hmmm, alright. We'll let the doctor find out why you can't apply makeup.
Lisa gets 10000000 points for naming her dog Pikachu. And she got another 5 points for finally looking Cedric in the eye and telling him he couldn't live at their palace any longer.
I'm sorry, but if my wealthy friends told me, point blank to my face, that I have to move out of their home after a year of freeloading, I would be up a real estate agent's ass to find me something decent.
No self-respecting person would be so rude as to remain in friend's home when they've been told time and time again that they need to find their own place. I realize that Cedric has abandonment issues, but he's 37 and needs to get a grip.
Lisa's not leaving him; he just needs to put on his big boy pants and grow up.
The fact that Camille had to show ID to prove who she was at Kelsey's NYC apartment is reason enough to receive $50 million from that a__hole.
Drippy Russell was totally told by Bravo to throw Taylor a birthday party, and having no backbone or interest in doing something for her himself, he said yes.
Then the next day he and Taylor would hop a plane to Mexico to fix their marital problems. RED LIGHT RED LIGHT. Naturally, the party is a bust mainly because Drip made the worst birthday speech about his wife ever. He should have asked Paul to write something up. Paul's funny, attentive and gave up a weekend with Marky Mark to make his wife a plate of finger foods.
It still counts even if she walked away mid-sentence. God bless the Bickersons.
After the worst speech in the world ever, Taylor decided to unleash her marital frustration on Kim. It was the perfectly opportunity to relinquish any and all accountability for what she may or may not have done during the season.
In all fairness to Kim, it was a shady thing for Taylor to do and was executed out of self-interest more than "I need to get this off my chest." Kim is not great at defending herself, so this confrontation was messy, at best.
Not to mention it seemed that Kim was a little drunk when she arrived.
Things escalated between Taylor and Kim, as Kyle heard her name and shimmied over in a too-tight bandage dress (really, Kyle, you're pretty and have a great body, but it's time to dress your age).
Then Lisa and Adrienne came over to mediate.
Kyle is over trying to deal with Kim. We can tell she's had it and doesn't feel like defending someone who can't fight her way out of lunch box. Kim accidentally accused Lisa of being a bad friend, then immediately retracted her statement.
Lisa knew the poor thing is crackers, so after her initial shock, I'm sure she let it go. Meanwhile, Adrienne stepped in to try and calm Kim and Kyle down. I'd like to pause for a moment and call to everyone's attention Adrienne's pumps.
Weren't they something? Stars of the show, those sparkle pumps.
By this point Kim was in her limo, having been told to stay put (by both her manager and Andy Cohen, probably). Somehow Martin made his way into the limo. What for, I don't know. Then Adrienne stepped in to try and make Kim feel better.
No such luck.
In swooped Kyle and things just went so bad. So, so bad. The worst I've seen in a long time. So much was aired between the Richards sisters that shouldn't have been caught on camera. Kim's possible battle with alcohol, the fact that Mauricio and Kyle support her financially. How about when Kim blurted out, "You stole my f____ house!"
I have no clue what that means, but it all just blew up.
The "Where Are The Housewives Now" ending wasn't much better. Lisa isn't speaking to Cedric, Kim checked into rehab, then checked right out. Kyle isn't speaking to her, Taylor's on the verge of divorcing the Drip and Camille is in the middle of a custody battle with Kelsey. The only one faring well after all is said and done is Adrienne (we hope).
If you think this finale was bad, wait until next week. As always, Andy Cohen recorded many hours of screaming and fighting for sweeps. Heaven knows what kind of dark spots lie ahead. Stay tuned.
THG 
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Louis turns one this month, but Sandra never shared what exact day.
